


Storm and Purgatory

by Agin



Series: I should... [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Dancing, Denial of Feelings, Jealousy, Light Dom/sub, Longing, M/M, Sexual Tension, Slash, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 14:06:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agin/pseuds/Agin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard does his best to be the man, the galaxy needs him to be.<br/>He fights and keeps fighting, denies himself his personal desires and wishes and especially his feelings for Kaidan.<br/>And as his composure begins to wear thin, he won’t accept it.<br/>But can he plug along without breaking?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Purgatory

**Author's Note:**

> That’s the second part of my “I should…” series, in which Shepard tries very hard not to fall for Kaidan.
> 
> Unfortunately I had to delete this work once, ‘cause I fucked it up instead of updating.  
> Sorry for that.  
>  _*hides around the next corner*_
> 
> Explicit content will come later on.

All that is terribly wrong…

The very moment Shepard sets foot in the Purgatory, he knows, he shouldn’t be here.  
Loud music, flashing light.  
Clamorous voices, laughing faces, which try to forget.

_Ridiculous. What the hell am I doing?_

This morning, they had arrived at the citadel, after an unbearable lengthy flight, fraught with days and days of… nothing.

In past times, Shepard had always found a way to keep himself busy during those inevitable waiting periods.  
Friendly conversations with the crew hadn’t been a rarity. Doing sports was a common and useful training. He even found enough peace of mind to do relaxation exercises and read fictional stories on the intranet.

But all that has gone. Has burned to ashes like flesh in the relentless beam of a reaper.  
By now those quiet times are absolutely torturous for Shepard.  
Even the conversations with the crew, would it be to motivate them, if not himself, get more and more exhausting.

Truth is, that Shepard can feel comfortable these days, only while pointing his gun to an enemy and pulling the trigger.

That moments have turned into those without any doubts.

So, when Garrus invited Shepard to join him at the Purgatory this night, the answer was given from the first.  
It’d been an unpleasant situation.  
Even a bad joke about calibrating some drinks didn’t change anything.

Shepard had not the slightest idea, why the Turian asked him, anyway.

It’s an enigma.

After all, Garrus seemed to know him better than anyone else, although the former Archangel isn’t human.

But the greatest enigma is: Why the hell put Shepard, when evening approached, his civilian outfit on and went to the bar, he didn’t want to visit.

_Damn it._

He could just turn around and leave, could undo this spontaneous, imbecile decision, which led him in here.

Yeah, he should do this.

He turns on his heel resolutely and crashes into a slim but strong body.

“Ey, Shepard. You too fucking dumb, to go straight forward?” It’s Jack.  
Arms akimbo.  
Clothing scarce – as usual.  
Scowling – as usual.  
Polite…

“Haven’t got a sucky tongue in your head, Jerk?”

… as usual.

Shepard sighs. “Hey, Jack.”  
He’s far from being in the mood to deal with her, even though he likes the young woman.

“So you wanna have a few?” She manages, to simultaneously scowl and grin.

“Actually, I’m on my way back to the Normandy.”

“Ah, fuck this! Just relax and have some fun. It won’t kill you.”

“Jack… I’m not…”

“Oh, shut the fucking hell up, Shepard!”  
With this she grabs Shepard by his wrist and drags him reckless through the club, up the stairs.

Sighing he gives in to her.

Jack leads him towards a bar next to the dance floor. Towards Garrus, Vega and Cortez.

“Hey guys! Have a look at my capture”, she bawls through the whole place, unashamed.

When curious looks are turning towards them, Shepard abruptly frees his wrist and does some striding steps to outpace Jack.

Vega’s a blatantly broad grin on his face and Garrus’ mandibles are twitching suspiciously, what seems to be an equivalent to Cortez’ silent smirk.  
Sighing once more, Shepard steps between Garrus and Cortez. He abuts on the bar, faking composure.

“Some drink, Commander?”, Vega asks  
and he nods, though, he has no idea, what he’d like to drink. Still starts to give an answer… then he’s entirely at a loss for words.

Kaidan approaches.

Perfect hair. Clothes strictly alliance. Close-fitting. Attractive. But Kaidan would be breathtaking even if he’d wear nothing than a seedy potato sack.  
His brown eyes seem to be darker than usual.  
Impenetrably.  
Just as the look on his face, when he reaches the small group at the bar.

Their eyes meet for a split second and Shepard involuntary gasps for breath. Nobody seems to notice - fortunately.

He has to get hold of himself!

“Major, glad you decided to join us”, says Cortez and Kaidan gives him a little smile.

In an instant, Shepard’s stomach cramps.

_What the hell…?_

“You can do this, Alenko? Being at such a place? Won’t you get a migraine?” His voice sounds kind of strange. Hopefully nobody will notice that, either.

“Oh, probably I will get one.”  
Kaidan shrugs, then adds: “Sometimes you have to take a risk.”  
Past Shepard’s shoulder, he beckons the barkeeper over and orders one Whiskey. His mouth is close to Shepard’s neck – it’s almost unbearable.

_Stay cool. Nothing to get nervous about._

_Just those delicious lips and a soft tickling breath… Just a possibility. Just… No, it’s nothing at all!_

“Shepard?”, Kaidan asks and he realizes, that he missed something.

“Um…” _Yeah. Show them, how confused you are..._

“You want a Whiskey? I’d buy you one.”

“Okay…”  
That man, that alliance commander, that first human Spectre, so many beings set their hope on, acts like a shy, little guy.

_Simply fantastic._

Only when he feels the cool glass in his hand, it comes to his mind, that he really doesn’t like Whiskey.  
 _Whatever._  
Shepard takes a sip. Then he notices Kaidans hand, hovering awkwardly in front of him.  
 _Dammit. I’m acting like a bloody idiot._  
He should have stayed at the Normandy.

Belated Shepard raises his glass to Kaidan. And the biotics lips are twitching just the way they use to, when he does his silent, little smile.

“Next one’s on me”, Shepard says inadvertently.

“I’ll take you up on that.”

“Alenko, huh?”, Jack lets out suddenly. “So you are the prick who turned Shepard down on Horizon.”

“That’s me.” Kaidan seems to be unaffected by the accusation.

“And you must be the notorious Jack.”

“That’s me”, Jack echoes. Then she adds snappish: “Now you have sneaked back on the Normandy, Alenko.”

“I’m not in the habit of sneaking.”

“You’d be fucking bad at this, anyway. With that hairstyle it’d be impossible not to catch one’s eye.”

“Same’s to your… um… dress”, says Kaidan and takes a telling look at the scraps, which hardly cover anything.

“Ah, fuck this, Alenko. You like my body?”

“You’re an attractive woman.”

“You’d like to fuck me?” Jack had never been the one who’d act with reserve.

But Kaidan keeps his cool.

Unlike Shepard.  
Suddenly he feels like there’d be a relentless hand squeezing his stomach - painfully. The Whiskey glass hovers in front of his lips, unnoticed.

“No.”

Shepard nearly sighs with relief, when he hears Kaidans answer.

“Too bad. You’ll miss out on a lot of fun. Doesn’t he, Shepard?”

Jacks words, or rather what they could imply, let him cringe.

_She hopefully won’t…_

“You enjoyed it, to fuck me against the wall, this one time on the Normandy. I can tell, Shepard.”

_She will._

Eventually, Shepard takes a sip of his Whiskey, then he lowers the glass. He can’t bring himself to look at Kaidan, but from the corner of his eyes he sees the biotic straighten.  
 _Dammit._  
Shepard having sex with a crew member – there’s no way, that Kaidan-by-the-books-Alenko could condone this. Even if it’d been only one time at all.

“Uh huh…”, Shepard manages.

“And that’s why I’m fucking awesome!” Jack continues, leering. “Given that you’re much more interested in men…”

“Am I?”  
He is calm, the most placid person at this moment.  
Without question.  
Actually he is entirely ok with going for both men and women. But if his interests are disclosed, his behavior near Kaidan could get someone’s attention…

_Calm. All over._

“Come on, Shepard. The way you looked at Jacob, back then. It’s been fucking obvious.”

_Jacob?_

Well, he had got an eyeful. Every now and then. Even though the quite attractive man isn’t the kind of guy he likes – not at all. There are…  
… no eyes, so very deep and mysterious.  
… no voice, so throaty and velvety all at once.  
… no perfect hairstyle, which positively cries out for being ruffled by passionate hands.  
… no small freckles above those broad, expressive eyebrows.  
… no crooked, alluring smile.  
… no ass that’s…

“Ey, Loco. Having some little, nice daydreams?”, Vega jolts him out of his thoughts.

“Looks like he’s drooling”, Jack adds helpfully.

“One credit for your thoughts.” Cortez.

“I’m not entirely sure, if we would like to know those thoughts.” Garrus.

Kaidan… keeps silent.

Shepard empties his glass with one last swallow. Vigorous. “My thoughts are not at issue and my sex life isn’t, as well!”, he clarifies.  
The Whiskey glass hits the bar louder than intended.

Jack snorts. “Don’t act like a fucking pussy, Commander.” The last word she stretches very excessive.

“Nicely said.” Vega laughs and gives Jack a teasing wink. “You sure, you don’t wonna come back on the Normandy? Could be fun…”

“Nah, I’ve to watch over my scholars. So the stupid asses don’t fuck it up.”

“You’re too caring”, Shepard mutters and Jack pats his shoulder or rather hits him with harsh motions.  
Playfully, but definitely not all too caring. At another time, in another situation, Shepard could have liked this…

A second Whiskey glass hits the bar.

“Going to dance.” Barely spoken, Kaidan heads towards the dance floor.  
Five pairs of eyes follow him with surprise.

And then… Shepard’s personal hell starts.

...

Kaidan’s dancing neither exuberant, nor ecstatic or wild.  
He doesn’t swing his arms like Shepard would and doesn’t shift awkwardly from one foot to another, trying to match the beat.

No such thing.

Kaidan slides, floats, moves like sluggish silk cloth in the wind.  
Refuses, to get heated up and is simultaneously so very fervent.   
And while he doesn’t follow the music in its fast beats, each single motion carries the rhythm as if Kaidan would be the heart of everything.  
Eyes closed, hips twisting in a sensual gyration, hands skimming over his face, his neck, his chest and deeper and deeper, just to stop right above that very intimate point.  
Lingering there.  
Tantalizing.

It’s beyond Shepard’s power to tear his eyes away from this man.

This sultry seduction.

Then, Kaidan opens his eyes, catches Shepard’s gaze. All flaming and intensely. Pervasive.

It leaves him breathless, blood roaring in his ears. His head is spinning and the room around him as well. Everything grows blurred and hazy.  
Everything… except Kaidan.  
They are entangled, even without touching.

And it’s too much.

Too much of Shepard’s innermost feelings bare and exposed. Too confronting on an intimate way.  
Shepard wants to end this. Fights, to end it.  
And fails.  
Then, it’s all over in a sudden. And Shepard aches to get this moment back.

Kaidans eyes close again.

Did the biotic even recognize the impact of his performance? Is Shepard just fantasizing? Worrying without any actual cause?  
Probably their gazes met accidentally. An insignificance.

And, as if to illustrate Shepard’s thoughts, there are small hands sidling up to Kaidans chest. A beautiful Asari is whispering in the man’s ear, then nipping at his neck.  
And she is not turned away.  
Showing this typical, breathtaking smirk, Kaidan, eyes still closed, lowers his head back on the Asari’s shoulder.

Shepard’s feeling stupefied.

He gapes, while the biotic and his new dancing partner are moving together, now.

Still sultry and lascivious, the Asari pressed against Kaidan’s back.  
Her hands are roaming.  
She strokes his throat, his arms and chest and occasionally skims his fingers, which are still lingering near his crotch.

Then – she crosses the line, oblivious to their exposed position.  
Her right hand slides past Kaidan’s. And he lets her do as she likes. As he likes, judging by the growing bulge…  
Kaidan lifts one arm, strokes the Asari’s neck, touches her so very gently. His other arm goes back, pushing the aliens body closer, clearly resting on her ass, while she pulls his shirt free, exposes smooth, velvet skin and a trace of dark hair leading down from the navel into the now even tighter trousers.  
Sliding fingertips over velvet skin.  
Massaging him lazily.

It is then, that Shepard becomes aware of his own undeniable hard on.  
And the annoying sting of jealousy.

He is about to storm the dance floor, to jostle the Asari away and…  
Get Kaidan out of here and fuck him senseless.  
Or do it just there.  
Unconsciously, Shepard’s tongue slides over his slightly parted lips.

And now of all times, Kaidan lifts his head and opens those golden eyes again.

Once more, he catches Shepard’s gaze and holds it.  
Mirroring that telling gesture, the biotic parts his lips and licks them slowly.

Shepard realizes his own acting and flinches.   
Kaidan noticed that he had been gaping. That he _still_ is.

Beyond all question.

Trying to retain dignity, Shepard turns away, blushing and absolutely not as calmly as possible.

_Fuck! Fuck! Fucking Fuck!_

He faces the bar, hiding as well as ignoring his still incredibly hard member. Being aware of his surrounding again.

_Fuck!_

Cortez clears his throat. “The major seems to be full of surprises, doesn’t he?” The shuttle pilot sounds breathless, just as Shepard feels.  
Apparently he isn’t the only one who is… touched… by Kaidan’s performance.

That’s good.   
_That’s very, very good. Makes me less salient._  
 _Very good_ – Shepard repeats internally. Trying to be oblivious of the ongoing jealousy.

“Another drink, Shepard?”, Garrus asks at his side.

Shepard gives an answer by beckoning the barkeeper.

“Whiskey again?”

“Hell, no!”


	2. Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard doesn’t stop fighting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two – finally.  
> As life had some nice surprises up its sleeve, I had to deal with, it took some time to continue writing.
> 
> Anyway - I hope, you’ll enjoy reading.

Shepard goes back to the Normandy as soon as possible without being suspected to run away.  
In the privacy of his large and empty cabin he doesn’t thrash around, he doesn’t scream at the walls, he doesn’t yank off his trousers and jerk.

He simply goes to bed.

And when he is dreaming of Kaidan, he can’t remember the next day.  
Or he doesn’t want to.

...

Some hours later, he accidentally runs across this one man, he secretly hoped not to meet at all.

“Kaidan”, he says.  
Greeting.  
Looking past the biotic’s shoulder.

“Shepard.”

His name always sounds so right when it’s wrapped in those perfect, husky voice, Shepard thinks…  
and then he orders himself to stop thinking.

He continues his way even if Kaidan launches into saying something more, his big brown eyes open and locked all the same.  
Shepard continues his way and all keeps quiet.

...

This night, after Shepard was fairly sure, not to get a wink of sleep, he drops off while sitting at his desk.

He dreams.

Trying to run through shades and shadows, barely able to move.  
Voices penetrating him, clawing deep inside.

_It’s your fault._

_Why didn’t you rescue me?_

_I don’t wonna die._

_You betrayed me._

_Don’t go. Don’t leave me behind._

He runs and runs and runs without moving forward. There is the child, which is dead now.

_Your fault._

And then Kaidan is standing in front of him, disappointment on his beautiful face.

“You are not worth it, Shepard.”

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” His voice is awfully weak and fragile.

“You are whining and wishing – while there are so many people who wanted to live. Who _deserved_ to live and still had to die _because of you_.”

“But I did everything I could.”

“Did you?”

“…don’t know.” Shepard feels tears running down his cheeks and drops his head, ashamed.

“Oh, you _do_ know.”

Kaidan comes closer, invades his personal space.

“You are disgusting, Shepard”, he whispers in his ear. “I knew it from the beginning. And you provided evidence.  
Letting Ashley die, ‘cause you wanted to _fuck_ me - and then you shied away.  
Joining Cerberus.  
Killing so many Batarians, you can’t even count them.  
Letting all those people die, you should have rescued.  
 _Failing._  
And I know, you will fail again.”

Kaidan steps back, glowing in the blue of his biotics. He looks at Shepard, as if there could be an answer.

Silence dwells, only broken by those whispers inside his head and outside.  
The Shadows are floating around him and Kaidan in a terrifying beautiful dance.  
Coming closer and closer and starting to consume Shepard.

Then Kaidan continues, his usually smooth voice full of poison.

“Why don’t you just do the whole galaxy a favor, stop pretending you could fix _anything_ and put an end to this fiasco by killing yourself.  
You’d like to do that, wouldn’t you? Weak and contemptible.  
I can see right through you.”

“No!”

It’s a silent scream, unable to get free or unwilling.

Suddenly Shepard feels like drowning.

He gasps for breath, lashes out. Utterly helpless and desperate and forlorn.

Then he awakes.

He is still sitting at his desk, the screen in front of him white and blank, waiting to be filled with his last report. Shepard didn’t manage to write it yet, even if it’d been a small, unproblematic mission.  
That absence of words seems to be an accusation of itself by now and Shepard averts his eyes.

While the details of his dream mercifully fade away, he can’t help but thinking of the message which he has been ignoring since he received it.

It’s from Kaidan.

An offer to go out and have a meal or a drink. To take some time just for talking and sitting together. Shepard had been excited for a short moment and sorely tempted till now.  
He wonders why Kaidan wrote him anyway and pushes this very question far, far away in an instant.  
And… of course Shepard shouldn’t… _won’t_ accept the invitation.

He makes a decision. The _right_ decision.

Without hesitation, he searches the message and deletes it.

...

Sometimes time is racing. It’s like closing your eyes and knowing, you won’t get a chance, to open them again. Like trying to get things done and never _ever_ be able to do them properly, to do enough, to do anything at all.  
And then, there are those moments, those hours and days, which stretch into eternity. And with every attempt to get past them, they become more importunate. Unbearable.

They are on their way to Thessia and Shepard is restless.  
He has been like that before.

More often than he’d admit.

It doesn’t match the expected Survivor of the Galaxy.  
Then again, it does match by all means, because he’s supposed to act and not to rest.

Besides, he is not resting at all.

This day Liara told him to do so, all friendly and concerned and smooth.  
Shepard had felt the sudden urge to punch her face and sweep away this soft expression. Of course he didn’t do it.

He had smiled instead.

Liara deserves better than feeling his unjustified anger.

And now, Shepard is punching Vega. Or more precisely: They are sparring.  
Like they have done many times before.  
But it does feel different.

Shepard’s fist meets Vega’s upper arm.

And it hurts.

Then, James bursts through his cover with pure, reckless power, the well-trained muscles forcing a hard blow to Shepard’s chest.

It hurts much more.

The air is knocked out of Shepard and a second blow hits his temple. Not that hard this time, cause it’s not meant to kill.  
But hard enough.

Shepard’s vision blurs.

He struggles to hold on.

To keep up.

To fight without retreating, just as always.

In a tiny moment of confusion he is surprised at the odd violence in Vega’s strikes. Then he realizes, that he didn’t hold back either.  
As the dizziness fades, Shepard sees the blood on Vega’s face.  
The bruises all over the other man’s exposed upper body, on his cheek, on his left _eye_.

Shepard should flinch on that. Should feel embarrassed and sorry. James may have been his guard, but now he’s one of his crew members.  
They have changed some private words and even if Shepard doesn’t strike up close relationships, he likes the young soldier in an uncomplicated, easy and thereby unwinding pleasant way.

_He should stop the fight._

But instead of doing so, he continues dodging and punching and recklessly hurting.

Himself and his opponent.

In the end it’s Cortez, who steps in and says: “Stop this!”  
He sounds angry.

However - Shepard doesn’t apologize.

“Get the shuttle ready, Lieutenant”, he scowls. “We’ll arrive at Thessia soon.”

“Yes, Sir. I’m on it.” Cortez doesn’t miss a thing, doesn’t miss the rebuke and snaps to attention, but he still _does_ sound annoyed.

Shepard lets him get away with it.

…

Striding back to his cabin, he meets Kaidan.

_Of course. What the fuck else could I expect?_

The biotic’s eyes slightly widen at his sight, a questioning look coming up.  
“Hey, Shepard. You ran into a horde of rampaging husks with bare hands?”  
It should have sounded playfully, for sure. But the words come out with an undertone of concern.

Shepard shrugs it off. “Yeah”, he replies and continues his way.

The latter seems to become a habit.


	3. Valuable assets

Shepard goes to Thessia with a tiny piece of real hope – something he hadn’t encountered for what felt like eternity.

He comes back with his muscles aching not only because of the fight, his lungs aching, his chest and his head aching and his mind blank.

Stoic.

There is this moment, in which he hesitates before speaking to the Asari councilor, in which he threatens to lose his composure.  
Struggling.  
On the edge.  
Then he pulls himself together, gets ready to be the Commander he is expected to be. The one, who is supposed to be strong, when others break, to keep on fighting, even if there’s no hope anymore.

But this time, it feels like he’d put on a botched and ragged mask.

To his downright bewilderment nobody notices. The façade seems to be better than expected.

He speaks to the councilor, comforts Liara, meets every crew member to bandy some motivating words and bring them back into line.  
Actually… he meets every crew member but Kaidan.  
The mere thought of facing him, makes Shepard’s gut convulsing. He would never ever admit it, but deep down inside his treacherous mind he knows, that he won’t be able to deceive that man.

So he just goes back to his cabin and starts writing the report. Doing so in the face of presumable annihilation seems kind of strange and pointless.  
Nevertheless he gives his best.  
As he’s used to.

_Playing the part of the impeccable soldier while being the zany all along,_ Shepard thinks.

He doesn’t need to mask his appearance while he’s alone.  
But then, he needs to do it even more at those moments.

Shepard forces himself to concentrate on the mere facts of the mission without judging or brooding about the things he could have done better. He puts down the situation on Thessia, mentions the casualties, describes the discovery of the artefact and the loss of it.

Later, he remains sitting and stares at the empty tank.  
He doesn’t think about buying some fish, because they wouldn’t survive, anyway.

**

After a night without having slept – even without having tried to do so – Shepard goes down to the mess. He meets Kaidan on his way by accident.

It’s almost predictable.

When it comes to this, the Normandy seems to be as small as a fucking trousers pocket.

“Shepard.”

“Major Alenko.”

“Um…”

“What is it?“ Actually, he‘d prefer to keep moving. But Kaidan is efficiently blocking his way.

“It‘s… um, nothing serious, really. Just wanted to wish you a good day.”

For a moment Shepard doesn’t know what to say. Kaidan wishing him a good day? That feels – strange.  
He clears his throat.  
“Thank you?”

“You’re welcome.”

Kaidan is still blocking his way.

“Is there anything else, major?” He could push past the other man.  
But this would involve physical proximity. And would be embarrassing all the same.

Silence is stretching and Shepard can literally feel Kaidan’s intense gaze on his face.  
Suddenly, he is very, very glad to have splashed cold water over his head before leaving the cabin. To have washed away the telltale marks of a sleepless night. He still doesn’t look like the blooming life, but that’s ok. Nobody would expect otherwise.

However, it’s Kaidan standing in front of him.

Too smart.

Too observant.

Whatever those whiskey-brown eyes are noticing – it’s probably too much.

Contrary to the widespread opinion, that Shepard wouldn’t know when he should retreat, he _does_ know.  
He simply ignores it most of the time.

The silence grows harder to bear with each passing second.  
So Shepard breaks it.  
“Alright, major. I must be going. Have a nice day on your own. Which feels odd to say in the light of impending pain and death and the end of human kind. And asari and turian and… Yeah. You know. The thing isn’t, that I don’t wish you the best. It’s -“  
He is babbling.  
Commander Shepard is _babbling_.

He knows, when he should retreat. And this time he’ll also do it.

“I have to check on Cortez.”

_Explaining myself like I’m clinging to a flimsy excuse? Perfect. Simply perfect._

But it’s been said.  
So Shepard gives Kaidan a brief nod, turns and doesn’t run towards the elevator.

The ladder is quite a challenge.

**

Their next meeting happens to be in the war room. That’s kind of neutral area for them.  
So Shepard is relatively relaxed regarding Kaidan - as far as he can manage.

He _isn’t_ relaxed for the rest.

Dr. Bryson and Leviathan… Following the hints and guessing, furthermore, they actually may have found their target.

Shepard isn’t worried.

He’s never worried. For sure.

But yet he doesn’t like their state of knowledge.  
 _Leviathan…_  
 _It can control your mind._  
 _It’s dangerous._  
 _It’s_ very _dangerous._  
 _It doesn’t want to be exposed._  
 _You’re on your way to expose it._

Perhaps he is worried. A little bit. A _tiny_ little bit.

“We’ll go down to the surface and investigate the situation,” he states, responding to Liara who just had voiced her concern.  
They have spent too much time on searching to turn away now.  
And Leviathan could be a very valuable asset. Shepard can’t ignore such an opportunity.  
“I’ll take Garrus and Vega with me,” he adds, ready to end the meeting and start the mission immediately.

But Kaidan clears his throat.  
“Commander?”

“What’s it, major?”

“As you don’t know, what you’re going to face, it could be helpful to have someone with you who has biotics and can hack into nearly every system.”  
He clears his throat again.  
“Sir.”

Shepard hadn’t taken Kaidan on any mission since mars, secretly fearing any remark on that score.  
One could ask, why the biotic is still on the Normandy. Why Shepard hadn’t told him to accept Hackett’s offer and put his impressing skills to good use instead of following the ghost of… something.

It’d been utterly selfish to accept Kaidan’s offer.

He wants Kaidan near but can’t allow him to be.

He wants Kaidan safe more than anything.

He keeps Kaidan safe while others die.

He…

_Dammit_

“You’re right, major.”  
Shepard hesitates for a split second. When he continues, his voice is plain and commanding.  
“Garrus, Liara – meet me at the Shuttle Bay in five.”

He turns and leaves the War Room, willfully ignoring the stare of whiskey-brown eyes, which threat to cut through his body.

**

Diving deep and deeper without knowing if he’d ever cut the surface again,  
being protected against the deadly pressure by almost nothing,  
moving through darkness which is all too heavy and limitless, only hold at bay by a ridiculous small light,  
facing godlike creatures and being at their mercy – all of that leaves Shepard embarrassing exhausted.  
Not only physically but emotionally.  
He is still alive, he succeeded, he managed the impossible.

Again.

But all he wants to do now, is going to sleep. But the one thing he won’t accomplish is to actually get some sleep.  
He still pretends to his crew.

After reporting to Hackett, he strides back to the elevator with confident pace.  
The… accidental… meeting with Kaidan happens to take place in front of his cabin this time.

Shepard, for a change, doesn’t bother to hide his sigh.  
“Major, that really isn’t the right time to –“

“Why am I on the Normandy?” Kaidan’s usually velvet voice is strained. He radiates barely suppressed anger.

_And_ there is the question Shepard absolutely didn’t want to hear _ever_.  
The question he can’t answer.  
“We won’t discuss that now, major,” he states, locking his eyes with Kaidan’s. It’s hard not to avoid the man, but – after all – Shepard is no fucking wimp.

“And by _now_ you mean _ever_.”

“Mind your manner, Alenko. Or you’ll be off the Normandy quicker than you can do your hair.”

At that Kaidan quirks an eyebrow, amusement flickering inside the brown deeps. But it’s over within a heartbeat.  
He's still angry.  
“You didn’t take me on any mission since I returned. You barely talk to me and when I encounter you, you would always found an excuse to escape.”

Shepard cringes inwardly at Kaidan’s choice of words.

“You are avoiding me,” the biotic continues, seemingly oblivious of Shepard’s discomfort.  
“So I’ll ask you again: What. Am. I. Doing. On. The Normandy?”  
His voice doesn’t raise.  
But the words hit Shepard like whiplashes.

He doesn’t flinch.

In his life Shepard has faced many angry people. He knows how to deal with _that_.  
Sometimes the only way is domination and demonstration of strength. Playing nice with a krogan, for instance, won't get you anywhere but down on your knees or into your grave.  
At most.  
Kaidan, though, is receptive to other methods such as genuineness.

So Shepard forces himself to relax, to forget the everlasting urge to kiss Kaidan, to touch him to pull him close, to…

_Stop this!_

He relaxes and reveals something, he normally would have kept deep inside.  
“I am tired, Kaidan.”  
If he needs a tiny bit of honesty to get rid of that unpleasant situation, he'll concede.

It’s ok to admit weakness just once. As an exception to prevent something much worse.

It’s… _damn fucking stupid to call Kaidan by his given name!_

Too late, Shepard realizes his mistake.  
Perhaps... the biotic hasn’t noticed.

Shepard takes a deep breath.

And if he has – he could interpret it as a friendly turn.

Shepard suppresses another deep breath.

_It's nothing. Kaidan will think nothing of it._

“The mission has been exhausting and I’d _really_ like to have some rest.” Shepard continues.

As expected, Kaidan’s mood soothes. His next words are yet aggravating.  
He rubs his neck, sighs and asks almost gently: “The mission in which – as Liara told - you nearly killed yourself?”

“It’s been the only game in town. Or, more precisely, in the sea.”  
Shepard has to fight the sudden urge to justify himself wordily.

“So you decided to gamble with your life. Again.”

“Those leviathans are valuable assets.”

“And that’s what it’s all about, huh? Gathering valuable assets.”

“In case you haven’t noticed – there’s a war going on, Alenko. We are fighting against an overly powerful enemy. Naturally it’ all about assets.”

“To fight for our lives?”

“To fight for our lives,” Shepard agrees.

“I wonder…” Kaidan pauses, his last words heavy and full of disturbing vibrations.  
It’s his turn to take a deep breath.  
Then his body straightens, determined, resolute and likewise wary, as if he’d plan to drop a bombshell.  
“I wonder,” he repeats and Shepard is on the brink of hiding somewhere.  
“You speak of saving our lives. But do you even have a live you’d like to save?”

Shepard stares.  
His mind is blank for a second, then there a too many thoughts simultaneously.

He has done his very best to be a soldier. A commander. A… valuable asset. He has eliminated everything, which could lessen his determination. He has… But that’s a lie. He has tried. Trying, doing his best – that’s not enough. He is not enough. Weak. He craves… He craves for Kaidan. For his smile. For his appreciation. For something he dares to even think about. Does he have a live besides his duty? No. He doesn’t. He has… That’s ok. Being a soldier. Solely. Even if he doesn’t like it in the first place, it’s the only right thing to do. There have been so many deaths already. So many sacrifices. So many people he wasn’t able to keep safe. And he can’t be selfish. _Can’t_ allow himself to stew over the things he could miss. He won’t do it. And that’s ok. Isn’t it?

Without looking at Kaidan, he pushes past the man, just as he didn’t do the last time.

His arm brushes against a solid chest. An unintentional, brief touch and Shepard feels is whole body tingle and shudder.  
He ignores it, slams his fist on the button to open the door and bursts into his cabin.

The slightly blue light and the chilly air smooth his temper a little bit but the yawning void threatens to drown him.  
Suddenly he feels like diving.  
There is water, darkness, empty space. He is alone and helpless and can’t do anything about it. His heart is racing and he is cold.  
Too cold.

“Shepard?”

Kaidan’s voice, full of warmth and concern, gets through the oppressive, devouring fog of growing panic and despair. Sinks in Shepard’s mind and helps him to focus.

The biotic has followed him inside. Of course he has.

And not only that.

Kaidan clasps his shoulder and steers him gently but nevertheless firmly down the stairs and towards the sofa.  
Shepard doesn’t resist, not even when he is pushed down into a sitting position. His hands are shaking and he clenches them between his knees. He doesn’t bother to put on his impassive façade. It’s too late anyway.

But he doesn’t look at Kaidan either.

The biotic settles himself next to Shepard.  
Patiently.  
Keeping silent.  
Being there.

Shepard just keeps breathing, feeling the soothing presence at his side. And - slowly - he calms down. The shaking subsides.

Eventually, he faces Kaidan.  
“Thanks for your time, major,” Shepard says, deliberately missing the biotic’s frown.

“Let me guess – you don’t wanna waste my time any longer?”

“Um, yeah.”

“That’s bullshit, Shepard.”

“Mouthy, Alenko.”  
The words are out before he can grasp them. Before he can think about holding them back.  
Obviously his mind has suddenly turned from shaken to flirty without warning. Hidden desires breaking out. And what’s even worse… His voice, startlingly teasing, doesn’t do anything to hide that change.

When Kaidan answers, he has a coy smirk on his lips.  
“Oh, you know, I can accomplish amazing things with my mouth.”

Shepard actually blushes.  
Which makes Kaidan smirking brighter and him blushing deeper.

_Get a grip! Dammit!_

Shepard gets a grip by getting up.  
He crosses his arms behind his back, straightens his shoulders, puts on a bland expression and stares down at Kaidan, advisedly avoiding the man’s eyes.

Kaidan sighs, rises himself and is suddenly very noticeably in Shepard’s space.  
Hot breath grazes sensitive skin and it could be fortuity. Shepard is torn between backing of and closing in.   
He does neither.

“You feel better now?” Kaidan’s voice is a throaty whisper. But he asks in earnest and with concern.

Shepard opens his mouth to lie – his common reaction to questions like that. Then he realizes, that he _does_ feel better and with that the words die on his lips.  
He can’t voice them.  
So he shuts his mouth. And steps back.

“You should go now, major,” he says.

“Huh, that’s a new one.”

“Sorry?”

“Usually it’s: _I_ should go.”

Kaidan’s very marked and very annoying ability to render Shepard speechless makes its impact again. Even about such a harmless remark.  
But to his utter relief, Kaidan doesn’t insist on staying.

‘Cause Shepard, to be honest, isn’t sure, he could make the major go.  
And, to be still honest, he’s afraid he could do something really stupid, if Kaidan wouldn’t leave his cabin soon. Something he’d regret afterwards. Even more than showing weakness like he just did.

So he watches the door closing behind Kaidan and is more than happy to be alone once again.


	4. Stop lying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well…that chapter kinda slipped out of my hand and ran its own course. But… hey… I won’t complain.
> 
> Warning: This chapter contains dom/sub undertones. If that upsets you, don’t read further.

The decision to raid the Illusive Man’s base was an easy one to make.

Shepard and his crew would retrieve the artefact and eventually solve the riddle of the crucible. Then they would destroy the Reapers and win the war with the help of their allies.  
That’s what Shepard tells everyone in confident and determined words.  
 _And when it’s done, the remains of the reapers will turn into peaceful melodies as every shed tear is full of joy. There will be sunshine and rainbows and dancing unicorns. Everything will be fucking perfect or something._

Shepard feels like vomiting.

He retreats into his cabin while pretending to do it for his crew’s sake, tells them to get some rest and prepare for the imminent fight.  
He puts on his civvies but doesn’t go to bed, doesn’t even take a seat but keeps pacing up and down – feeling all too restless and suffused with trepidation.

Of course he wouldn’t admit the latter.

**

When the door of his cabin opens, Shepard freezes half way between said door and the stairs. He doesn’t turn around in a flash, instinctively recognizing the silent presence behind his back.

“Hey, Shepard. Thought you could need some distraction,” Kaidan says and Shepard still doesn’t move.

“Not to worry, though. It’s nothing serious. Just a drink.”

Kaidan comes in and steps into Shepard’s field of vision. A bottle of whiskey in his right hand, two glasses in his left.  
“Come on. Just a few minutes and then I’ll be going.”  
He pivots the bottle in front of Shepard, the teasing lopsided smile on his face.

It’s tempting to give in.

“I don’t like whiskey,” Shepard gets straight.  
An infatuating scent grazes his nose. Alliance standard soap, hair gel and the faint smell of coffee. All in all nothing special or remarkably enjoyable, but mixed with the scent which is soft and strong, reserved and overwhelming and absolutely _Kaidan_ … Shepard thrusts that train of thoughts aside, suppressing the urge to bury his nose in the biotic’s neck.  
He nearly misses Kaidan’s answer.

“What would you like instead?”

_I’d like to tear your clothes apart, to smell you, taste you and blow you till you come down my throat._

Kaidan raises an eyebrow as if Shepard had voiced his thoughts. But he hasn’t. Has he?  
Keeping his expression carefully plain, Shepard steps aside and clears the way to the door. “Major, you –“ he starts.

“Now you’ll tell me to go, won’t you?”

“Um, yeah.” Strangely enough Shepard is caught off guard. “So…” He gestures towards the door.

Kaidan deliberately places the whiskey bottle and the glasses on the desk, moving slowly as if he’d play for time. Then his eyes are on Shepard, suffused with that dangerous determination.

“Say, that you don’t want me,” Kaidan demands.

And Shepard – chokes. “ _What_?” he barely manages.

“Say, that you don’t want me.”

“Major…”

“Tell me to leave and I will.” Kaidan doesn’t continue, doesn’t add that there could be another option.

But it lingers there.

In Kaidans eyes, in the unbearably salient space between him and Shepard, in the soft and cool air, stroking over inappropriate hot skin. It’s scratching in Shepard’s throat, raging in his chest and he clings to the only possible answer to all of that.

“You should go, major.”

There is a brief nod, a short, accurate salute. Kaidan may outrank him, but not on his ship.  
“Yes, Sir.”

“Dismissed.”

**

Shepard stares at the whiskey and the glasses on his desk and tries to figure out what just had happened. Or more precisely, he tries to find a different explanation. A harmless one. An explanation which doesn’t threat to pull him under and stab him in his stomach and his chest and screams in his head.

Kaidan didn’t just… But he _did_. And Shepard turned him down. He knows that it had been the right decision. He fucking knows.

_Dammit!_

For a split second Shepard thinks about following Kaidan. Fortunately he hasn’t lost control. Not while he’s alone in his cabin without the overwhelming presence of the man…

…who is standing in the open doorway at that very moment and comes in again.

And then Kaidan is in his personal space, crowds him back till he hits the cool glass of the fish tank. Shepard scowls, taken by surprise and sudden anger starts boiling in his chest.  
 _What do you think you are doing, major?_ That’s what he means to say.

But the next thing he knows is Kaidan kissing him. Fierce and hot and wet.

Shepard’s mouth involuntarily opens and lets the other man’s tongue push inside. His hands grab Kaidan’s shoulders, intending to shove him away. But his body betrays his purpose, fists clenching in rough material. Clutching. Clinging. And his mind shuts down.

Eventually Kaidan pulls back, but only a mite. His hot breath mingles with Shepard’s, both of them panting heavily.

“I wanted you to go,” Shepard manages, hoarse and barely audible. Far off the stern reproach he had meant to voice.

“You didn’t.” A wild fire is burning in Kaidan’s eyes, which threatens to consume Shepard. There is determination, eagerness, passion and anger. And something… else.

Shepard struggles for words even if he knows, what he should say.  
 _Leave my cabin, major, or you will leave my ship because of inappropriate behavior!_  
But instead of speaking he just gazes in those burning eyes.

Kaidan’s lips come closer again. Much slower this time but Shepard flinches, bumps his head on the fish tank. “I won’t –“

He is interrupted by Kaidan’s angry snort. “Don’t lie to me again, Shepard!”

“I didn’t want to.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Dammit, Alenko! Stop telling me, what I did or didn’t want to do!”

“Stop avoiding me all the time. Stop lying to me and I will.”

“I am your commanding officer, at least on the Normandy. And I want you –“

“Shepard, is it really –“

“AND I WANT YOU TO STOP!”

Shepards voice roars through the cabin, fills it with helpless rage.  
Then – silence spreads. A silence full of unbearable tension.

Kaidan has backed off but don’t seem to be ready to back down. His gaze is still unwavering, still burning, still dauntless and hungry.

Shepard wants to punch him, wants it so badly.

He leaps at the man with those fucking brown eyes and the perfectly styled hair, with that tempting body and lips and smile and… They are crashing into the desk, something falls to the ground, shattering, and it could have been Shepard.  
But Kaidan holds him tight, while struggling to regain his own balance. They are kissing again and Shepard needs all his remaining self-restraint to stifle a desperate moan.

He almost fails.

Then Kaidan’s hands are on his hips, pulling him close and there is no doubt how much the biotic… enjoys… what they are doing.  
The undeniable evidence sends a spike of arousal through Shepard’s body and straight into his groin. His pants become tighter and tighter in a frightening rate. And he knows with sudden certainty that he won’t be able to control himself anymore.  
Kaidan is an unstoppable force. Overwhelming. Sweet and still angry all the same. Seductive and sultry and stunning and tempestuous and…

Shepard feels an unyielding hand on his neck and one on his waist, stumbles when he is yanked around and pulled down the stairs, his mouth still being plundered. He gasps in surprise and Kaidan _bites_ his bottom lip. Hard enough to make him bleed.

_Fuck!_

Shepard pushes Kaidan back, panting and licking the small wound.

They stare at each other, a faint of blue sparkling over the biotic’s skin for a split second.

_Losing your heavy guarded composure, sweet boy?_

It takes Shepard some moments and a remarkably arched eyebrow to realize, that he didn’t just _think_ this dicey sentence. He clears his throat but refuses to look embarrassed.  
 _Fuck you, Kaidan_ , he thinks. But that’s not what he means. Not exactly.

As if Kaidan had read his mind, he comes closer again. Too close. His breath grazing Shepard’s cheek and then his ear.

“Tonight, I won’t be sweet,” he grumbles and sucks Shepard’s earlobe briefly between his perfect lips. “And, for sure, I am no _boy_.”

“So you have a little secret under your pants?”  
Shepard is shocked how difficult it seems to be forming coherent sentences. Not to speak of doing it with a confident voice.

Kaidan chuckles and makes it sound kind of dangerous. “I assure you, Shepard, my secret isn’t _little_ at all.” His teeth scrap over Shepard’s skin just below his ear and make him shiver involuntarily.  
“But you are welcome to see it for yourself.”  
With that, he grabs Shepard by his waist and literally throws him onto the bed.

Shepard can’t help himself but to notice the surprising strength of the other man and has to strangle a groan. Can’t bring himself to reason. Can’t order Kaidan to leave.

He is so absolutely and utterly lost.

But Kaidan hasn’t made another move, has stopped his forceful action. The passion, which suits him so well, so stunningly, is still there. And Shepard thinks, that Kaidan is perfect like this.  
Then the other man smiles at him, lopsidedly and with a hint of his erstwhile shyness and Shepard likes that all the same.  
What he _doesn’t_ like, is the sudden wariness and reluctance, although he’s nearly overwhelmed by a severely rush of sentiment. Kaidan won’t push him further. Not without his consent. Not only on a whim but… What?

Shepard closes his eyes, hardens himself against the feelings which threatens to drown him, pull him under. He refuses to ponder on that.

But there’s one truth he can’t deny: He wants Kaidan to stay. Wants him near. Wants to kiss him, to touch him, to make him groan and fall apart. He _craves_ for it as intensely as always.  
And so, brushing aside any thought of consequences, Shepard meets Kaidan’s gaze and reaches out his hand.

The biotic doesn’t move.

His eyes seem to pierce into Shepard’s attentively. Searchingly. His dark brows furrow and there may be a split second of sadness. But that’s unlikely. An illusion, brushed away by the familiar smile, which makes Shepard’s heart stop a beat.

The fire flares up again and Kaidan makes the last step towards the bed. Towards Shepard, who suddenly feels like a prey, helplessly watching his predator.

Kaidan goes on his knees and hands and crawls ahead till they are face to face.

“I will make you feel good,” he breaths into Shepard’s ear and places delicate kisses on his neck and his temples and along the curve of his jaw and on the corner of his mouth.

Shepard’s tongue darts out to wet his lips. He buries his hands in Kaidan’s hair, just as he’s dreamed of so many times, and tries to pull him in for a hot and wet kiss.  
But Kaidan won’t play along. He stops a finger’s breadth before touching and makes Shepard grumble in frustration. He tries to close the ridiculous small gap between their lips by raising his own head. Kaidan promptly pulls away.  
Not far but still out of range.  
And with each new attempt to finally bring their mouths together, he draws back, a teasing smile on his face.

“Come on, Shepard. Take what you want,” he eventually rasps, his voice so hoarse. So _filthy_.

And that does it.

With an angry growl Shepard twists and pushes Kaidan onto his back, effectively switching their positions. His right hand grabs Kaidan’s jaw, one finger grazing those delicious lips, pushing inside and forcing them open with not so gentle tugs. He groans at the feeling of an inventive tongue against his digit and the harsh brush of teeth.

Kaidan’s hands are on his back, stroking up and down and every so often under his waistband and the hem of his shirt. It could have been by accident but it definitively isn’t.

Shepard replaces his finger by his lips and his tongue and it’s all he can do not to fall apart here and now. His hips are grinding on Kaidan’s, gyrating. He suddenly remembers the night at the Purgatory.  
The night he has tried to forget.  
But now the images grow vivid and intense. Kaidan dancing and showing off. Shameless and incredibly tantalizing.

Shepard releases Kaidan’s lips and buries his nose in the crook between the man’s neck and his shoulders like he had fantasized of, surrounded by that incomparable scent.  
His thoughts are still roaming and silently gushing over that special night. Then he imagines the asari and her hands on Kaidan’s body. The intense flash of jealousy makes Shepard gasp. He growls and bites down on the other man’s shoulder, forces a startled groan off him.

Kaidan doesn’t complain. If anything he grows fiercer, yanks Shepard’s shirt up and then his hands are touching naked skin, digging in hard muscles.  
So Shepard bites down again and is rewarded by a throaty moan and a strong hand slapping his ass.

Once… and twice.

The sudden spike of arousal, the unforeseen intensity of it, overwhelms Shepard such, that he is caught off guard when his back hits the mattress. Kaidan has flipped them again. And without pausing for a single moment he takes off Shepard’s shirt completely, thereby forcing his arms above his head.  
The abandoned piece of clothing finds its place somewhere on the floor and Shepard launches into doing the same with Kaidan’s shirt.

But the biotic grabs his wrists and pins them down.

There is that overpowering strength once again and Shepard suddenly feels like falling.  
Kaidan holds him down with his whole body, crowds him into the not-so-soft mattress.  
He tries to get free but stands no chance. His heart is racing and his mind clouded, whirling. He is struggling for breath and breathing too fast at the same time. Deep inside there is a feeling of dreadful helplessness. He _needs_ to regain control.

Then, Kaidan is speaking to him. Whispered words he can’t decipher over the roaring blood in his ears. But Shepard is clinging to the soothing sound, clinging to the warmth of the body that is still holding him down.  
He feels Kaidan kissing his forehead and his temple, brushing him with his nose and kissing him again.

It is then that Shepard realizes his own silent, almost pleading words. _Don’t let me go_ , he is repeating on and on and on.  
This has to stop!  
He shuts his mouth tightly, shuts his eyes tightly and would like to shut his mind down as well.

He stops talking but Kaidan doesn’t. “It’s ok, Shepard. I am here. I’ve got you.”

Slowly Shepard calms down.  
He shies away from thinking about the whole mess, avoids dwelling upon his tangled feelings. Only senses the mattress beneath and Kaidan above him.

When the desire to kiss Kaidan reawakens, he simply gives in, lifts his head, parts his lips in an inviting gesture, waits for the biotic to close the gap.

It’s a soft and gentle touch this time. Kaidan only takes what Shepard offers, surrenders while he is actually in control. And that helps Shepard to relax completely while his arousal is increasing again.

“Kaidan…?” he mumbles into the biotic’s mouth.

“Mhm?”

Their lips part a tiny bit.

“You can…” Shepard tries and Kaidan pulls back a little more to lock eyes.

Shepard blushes, struggles for words. Whereas his sex life in recent years isn’t worth thinking about, he has never been shy or prudish. But then again he also hasn’t revealed himself to such an extent ever.

“Talk to me, Shepard.”

He licks his lips and holds the biotic’s gaze. “You don’t need to be careful anymore.”

“So you want me to stop being careful?”

“…Yeah.”

“What else?”  
Kaidan gives Shepard’s wrists a reassuring squeeze and nips at his earlobe.  
“Want me to lick my way down your body?”  
Kaidan’s tongue darts out and teases Shepard’s neck.  
“Want me to yank down your trousers and blow your dick?”  
Another teasing lick.  
“Want me to fuck you with my fingers, first, and then with my cock?”

“That’s fine with me,” Shepard croaks out and Kaidan chuckles.

“I could make you beg for it.”

“Don’t you dare!” The mere thought of it is terribly arousing, makes Shepard’s words sound lame.

Kaidan captures his mouth in a brief but forceful kiss.

“We’ll see,” the biotic grumbles afterwards.  
Then he turns entirely serious.  
“If you want me to stop, for whatever reason, just tell me.”

“Um.” That request feels… odd. They are just going to have a little bit sex, aren’t they?

“Shepard, if you don’t promise to tell me when something bothers you, I’ll stop here and now!”

It may feel odd but in the light of his previous breakdown it seems likewise natural. So Shepard nods.  
“Okay.”

“You mean it?”

“Yes.”

“And you trust me to do as you say?”

“Yes!”  
He really does. He trusts that man, _deeply_ , Shepard realizes in a sudden flash. Not only in the field but far more privately.

His eyes must have given him away, because Kaidan smiles almost fondly and kisses the corner of his mouth. “Good.” He kisses the other corner, tightening the grip on Shepard’s wrist briefly. “Don’t move your arms,” he adds and finally releases Shepard’s wrists. It’s a gentle order. Still – it _is_ an order.

_I shouldn’t let him get away with that._

Kaidan kisses his face, his neck, his shoulders, his chest and agonizingly slow comes closer and closer to his nipples.

Shepard tries to keep still, tries to stop writhing and squirming and… _fucking hell_ … moaning with pleasure. He doesn’t move his arms, fights down the urge to defy Kaidan or bury his hands in the biotic’s hair to control the other man’s movements. The muscles in his upper am are twitching. The teasing sensation of Kaidan circling but not quite touching his nipples is almost unbearable – in a very, very pleasant way.  
Shepard has always been extremely sensitive at this point. Hell… his whole body seems to grow more and more receptive and they have just started.

When Kaidan shoots a sultry glance at him, he returns the look with equal fervor.

“You’re doing well,” the biotic states with a smile as if there’d be the need to offer assurance.

And, as it happens, warmth is rising in Shepard’s belly and the twitching of his arms subsides.  
“Fuck you, Kaidan,” he grumbles, not ready to admit his embarrassing reaction.

An amused chuckle answers him.  
“Actually… I was going to fuck _you_.”

“Are you?”

“Oh yeah.”

With that Kaidan’s tongue finally … _finally_ … flicks out and touches Shepard’s nipple.  
The sensation leaves him gasping for air. He’s dimly aware of clutching the sheets above his head and mindlessly thrusting with his hips to find friction. But there are only his trousers, painfully tight, and the air.  
His arms are twitching again and this time he lifts them – just to be pinned down by strong hands again.

“I told you not to move,” Kaidan rumbles, his gaze intense and dark and sending shivers down Shepard’s spine.

He licks his lips. Swallows. “And if I don’t obey…?”

“Then I’d have to punish you.”  
While fixing his wrists with one hand, probably using his biotics to strengthen the grip, Kaidan is stroking Shepard’s neck with the other, his strong, calloused fingers absolutely capable of choking him.

He swallows again and feels the pressure against his throat.

Knowing that he could stop Kaidan anytime he finds himself considering to disobey deliberately.  
“And if I follow your orders…?”

“…I could punish you as well.” The hand on his throat tightens just a little bit, Kaidan’s gaze unwavering and attentive. Observant.

“But…” Breathing grows harder again and it’s not because of the barely choking hand. Or rather - not exactly. A whimper escapes Shepard’s lips. He closes his eyes, embarrassed.

“No need to be ashamed,” Kaidan whispers. “You said, you’d trust me. So trust me to not condemn your needs. To take care of you. ‘Cause that’s what I have been yearning for in so long. I _want_ to take care of you.”

Shepard tries to relax.  
He may have acknowledged his trust. But acting on it and, furthermore, admitting the sudden desire to submit … That’s an entirely new challenge. He’s not quite sure if he really wants to do it. But then, he is. He cannot call the _want_ in question.  
Truth be told, he’s not sure if he is _ready_ for it.

“Open your eyes, Shepard,” Kaidan asks him and he does, looks into the handsome face which has been following him even to his dreams for years.  
It may have been mostly anxious moments full of accusations and rejection. But none of this is showing now. Quite the opposite. Kaidan’s face displays feelings which are far more dangerous and capable of destructing Shepard completely if he’d devote himself to them.  
He should instantly call off the entire scene and go back to their former relationship.  
Thing is – he can’t do it. The mere thought makes his stomach churn.

So he nods, as resolute as possible with the strong fingers still on his throat. His heart, thundering and racing, threatens to burst his chest. He frees his hands, well aware of the possible consequences and likewise blissfully clueless.

It’s intoxicating.

Shepard grabs Kaidan’s head. He pulls him down and starts to kiss him fiercely, sucks his tongue in and his lips and scraps with careful teeth over sensitive skin.  
Instead of objecting, Kaidan lowers his whole body and presses his undeniable bulge against Shepard’s.

They are kissing and moaning and rubbing against each other and everything becomes blurred and fervent.

Finally breaking the kiss makes Shepard groan in frustration. But there is still an unanswered question lying between them. An answer is needed which, despite everything, refuses to be voiced.

_Dammit. Just spill it out!_

Taking a deep, nearly desperate breath, Shepard forces out one word.

“Okay.”

In its shortage lies a deep truth, a confession Shepard can’t entirely understand. But it _feels_ right. More than anything else. And Kaidan for his part seems to catch on with the whole meaning.

_Of course he does. Kaidan fucking perfect Alenko._

“Okay,” Kaidan responds, lifting onto his elbows. “And, don’t forget… You say stop, I’ll stop.”  
He rises into a sitting position, patting Shepard’s thigh.

Then, in the blink of an eye, his whole presence changes, becomes stern and commanding and Shepard has to suppress the sudden urge to snap to attention.

“Get on your knees and cross your hands behind your head.”

Shepard’s body follows the order way before his mind catches up.

“Good. Very good.” Kaidan smiles approvingly. “And now – hold still.”  
He flicks Shepard’s trousers open with skillful hands and yanks it down to the middle of his thighs, first, and then his pants subsequently. The waistband pulls at Shepard’s almost painfully erected cock before setting it free.

Kaidan pauses, humming pleased and it’s all Shepard can do to not blush again. Getting naked with another person is one thing. Getting partly undressed and eyed up intensely…

“You’ve got a very well-shaped body, Shepard.”

“Huh, you only say that to score with me.”

That cheeky remark is rewarded with a short slap on his naked ass, Kaidan’s hand on his exposed skin.  
Shepard bites back a moan but can’t hide the treacherous twitch of his cock. And… of course… that reaction doesn’t slip Kaidan’s attention.

He bites his bottom lip – not at all unconscious and leers through his long, dark eyelashes at Shepard. “I also like your cock. It’ delightful shaped. A wonderful size. And the glans is so full and round and perfectly matching with the shaft. I’ll really enjoy having it down my throat.”

Shepard blinks.

“It might interest you in this context, that I’ve a very skilful tongue and a barely-there gag reflex.”

Shepard blinks again.

Swallows.

“Um, well…”Shit, his voice is hoarse as hell. “What about stop taking and start doing it?” he manages nevertheless, moving his hips just a tiny bit.

Kaidan clicks his tongue reproachfully. “It’s not time yet, handsome. You haven’t been exactly good. Have you?”

Shepard shudders at the sudden touch of a confident hand between his shoulder blades.

“Bend over, lower arms on the mattress.”

Once more Shepard reacts without thinking. Only when he becomes aware of his new position and its implication, he freezes.

“Relax,” Kaidan says. Kneeing beside him, he cups Shepard’s face and moves his thumb in gentle strokes.  
“I will spank you now,” he continues. “I know you can take it.” His thumb brushes Shepard’s lips. “And afterwards, when you did good, I’ll reward you.”

“You’ll do it because I moved my arms?” This time Shepard’s voice is not only hoarse but also strained.

“I could say it’s because of that. Or because of your cheeky remarks. But in the end I’ll do it because I want it. And because _you_ want it.”

_I never… huh… Fuck!_

Kaidan is right. Terribly right. But Shepard would never ever ask for it. Normally, he wouldn’t even allow himself to think about… _that_. It’s embarrassing. Ridiculous. Why the fuck would he want another man to sp… to do such a thing?

Kaidan’s hand is on his back again, kneading tense muscles. “Stop bashing yourself.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“But I can hear you thinking.”  
Kaidan sighs.  
“As I said before – don’t be ashamed. There is nothing wrong about your wishes and desires. I won’t judge you. To be honest… I’m glad to see how you finally open up a little bit. And I’m eager to learn more of you. Don’t think, I’ll ever tire of it.” The last sentence comes out markedly quiet. Like an escaped thought.

But those words hit Shepard with undeniable force. It’s terrifying. And wonderful. He shuts his eyes, tries to breathe.  
Finally he arches his butt further up, giving Kaidan a clear signal. Promptly the biotic stops massaging and slides his left hand towards Shepard’s lower back, resting there with reassuring warmth.

Shepard holds his breath. Tense and edgy. It’s hard to restrain himself from moving.  
He waits and nothing happens.  
He waits, feels Kaidans touch and slowly starts to relax –just a little bit. And a little bit more.

At that very moment the first blow hits Shepard’s right buttock. He jerks, gasping. The second blow comes immediately afterwards, striking the same spot much harder. And it’s _stinging_ and fucking _loud_. Shepard bites his bottom lip to muffle a groan.  
Whatever he might have expected – and he honestly can’t wrap his head around it – he didn’t imagine that it could feel so… good. Being slapped shouldn’t feel _good_.

Another two blows hit him, this time on his left buttock. It hurts. Albeit far from unbearable.  
In his life, Shepard has been badly injured more than often. He can handle pain. He just isn’t fond of suffering it – normally. But then, this isn’t normal at all. He doesn’t fight an enemy. It’s Kaidan behind his back. And Shepard has given his consent.  
Which he can recant at any moment.

Kaidan is stroking him now, strong and firm. Massaging his ass and digging his fingers in. Then he lifts his hand again. Only the touch on Shepard’s lower back is still remaining, the one point of contact which seems to connect them in a strangely reassuring way.  
Shepard pushes his back slightly up, feels the warmth of the touch and the intimacy.

The next blow comes with brutal force and…

_“Fuck!”_

…makes Shepard cry out, partly due to surprise.

Kaidan doesn’t waver, tough. Instead he sets a relentless pace, hitting in an unpredictable pattern.

On and on and on.

Shepard has buried his head in the sheets, muffles the noises he can’t hold back, actually whimpering by now. His skin is burning, his body shaking.  
He wonders how much longer Kaidan will spank him. Wonders, how much more he can take. A part of Shepard wants to beg Kaidan to end this - simultaneously he craves for more.

_Don’t stop_ , he could be whispering.

Biting down on his finger, breath rushing in heavy bursts through his throat, Shepard suddenly feels a resistance deep inside himself dissolving.

The last remaining tension leaves his muscles. Completely. He is drifting, an overwhelming dizziness pulling him under. It should have been frightening but there is only a blissful sensation and then… nothing.  
And everything.

At one moment Kaidan is spanking him, at the next Shepard lies on the bed, held by strong arms. He blinks in confusion, instinctively tensing up.

But then Kaidan is stroking his buzzy hair, kissing away tears Shepard hadn’t even noticed, whispering. “Sssh. It’s all right. I’m with you.”

Shepard relaxes. Too exhausted to offer resistance he allows himself to be embraced and just snuggles his face into the crook of Kaidan’s neck, breathing and floating on a completely unknown inner peace.

He knows it won’t last.

And it doesn’t.

Though he still feels relaxed and easy, when he places a lazy kiss on Kaidan’s neck. “Thought, I heard someone talking about blowing and fucking me.”

Kaidan chuckles, his chest slightly trembling. “I’d never forget about that.”

“So…?”

“Growing impatient?”

“Yeah. Little bit.”

“In that case…”

Kaidan sits up and Shepard is staggered by the sudden rush of loss. He covers it up by leering.  
At this instant he realizes something which causes him to blush. Kaidan is still completely dressed.

He eyes his own naked chest, his pushed down trousers and pants and his half-erected cock – momentarily growing harder.

When he looks back at Kaidan, he is faced with blunt lust. Probably matching his own expression.

“Undress,” Shepard says.

Kaidan arches a brow.

“Please,” Shepard ads. Then: “You won’t get me to call you “sir”, though.”

Kaidan is glaring at him.

“At least not in bed.”

Kaidan is still glaring.

“Oh, come on. You mean to drive me mad?”

At that, Kaidan’s expression changes in an ambiguous smirk. “Trousers,” he demands.

Shepard obeys, cursing silently. He pushes of his remaining clothes and throws them aside. Completely exposed now, he watches Kaidan standing up and finally starting to undress himself.  
Though… _undressing_ may be the wrong term to describe the man’s doing.

He is stripping.

Agonizingly slow. Fingers brushing delicious skin, his whole body writhing in a seductive, lazy dance.  
Shepard can’t tear his eyes away and this time he also doesn’t have to.

When Kaidan is done, Shepard’s cock is leaking precum – without being touched at all.

“I see…,” he manages. “You’re really meaning to drive me mad.”

“Am I successful?” Kaidan asks anything but innocent while stroking his well-defined stomach and his hips and his fully erected cock.

“Not at all,” Shepard lies.

“Huh, we should do something about it, then.” Kaidan lowers himself onto the bed again and starts crawling up.  
This time he stops with his face near Shepard’s groin, hot breath grazing equally hot skin.

Shepard’s hips jerk involuntarily, his cock is twitching, eagerly waiting to be touched. But he waits in vain.

Kaidan has stopped short.

“Kaidan…” Shepard is thoroughly embarrassed when he hears his whiny voice.

“What do you want me to do?”

Shepard can _feel_ the words on his skin. He bucks his hips upward, just to be pinned down by unyielding and fast hands.

“What do you want me to do?” Kaidan repeats, so impassive as if he’d talk about the weather.

Shepard groaned in frustration. “You know what I want.”

“Tell me!”

“Ah, shit…! Kaidan…” Shepard honestly has no idea why he’s struggling to say it.  
He mentally kicks Kaidan, giving in to that last strand of resistance. But he has already lost.

“Still waiting, Shepard.”

“I want you to blow me!” It comes out like a burst.

“Blow what?”

“Goddammit, Kaidan. I fucking want you to blow my dick.”

“You fucking want me to blow your dick… and what?”

Shepard moaned a curse, tried again to lift his hips but Kaidan held him down, hovering too near and not near enough.

_You are a teasing bastard, Alenko._ “Blow my dick… please?” he offers reluctantly.

And Kaidan gives him a smug chuckle. “There we go.”

That’s just… outrageous. And incredibly _hot_. Shepard doesn’t intend to admit the latter. As it is his body gives him away sufficiently. He _does_ intend to give a steep answer and is torn apart by a wordless cry when Kaidan, without any warning, deep-throats him.

The man hadn’t lied before. He actually seems to be in perfect control over his gag reflex. And not only over that. He alters between taking Shepard all the way in, massaging him with his soft lips and flicking his tongue over the perfectly right spots.

Shepard is panting. Trembling. The muscles in his stomach convulsing. He feels like dashing towards the release. Only just one…

Then Kaidan pauses, waits for Shepard to come down and eventually continues blowing him mindless.

He does it a few times.

If Shepard, momentarily, would be capable of a clear thought, he’d curse Kaidan’s ability to keep him on the edge. And praise him inwardly. But as it is, he even barely recognizes the other man’s voice through the haze of floating lust, catches the meaning of his words slowly and delayed.  
But when it dawns on him, he suddenly can’t move fast enough.

Kaidan laughs and watches him crawling in reach of his nightstand, tearing of the drawer and fumbling for the lube – which he has used on himself on rare occasions but in so long not together with another man.  
Without overstraining his lust-muzzled brain by thinking about past times, Shepard throws the lube to Kaidan and hurries back to him.

Having the biotic’s mouth on his cock has been overwhelming. Feeling his middle finger slowly pushing between his ass cheeks and then pushing _in_ is… indescribable.  
Shepard whimpers. Almost desperately. He spreads his legs further to offer Kaidan better access.

Normally Shepard is the one to do the probing and fucking, even if he had bottomed before.  
However. This night is far from being normal. Whatever may have been before and will be afterwards – for now it just feels perfect to take everything that Kaidan is willingly to give.

The biotic carefully works Shepard open, puts a second finger in and a third. He still seems to be calm and controlled but his burning eyes give him away. Kaidan is just as aroused as Shepard, desperately craving for more.

“I’m ready, Kaidan,” Shepard says as he just _can’t wait_ any more.

“Are you?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“So am I.” Kaidan withdraws his fingers, leaving Shepard terribly empty and brings them face to face.

“Kiss me,” he rasps.

And when Shepard lifts his head and positively crushes his lips onto Kaidan’s, he feels a blunt pressure against his ass hole. For a tiny moment his muscles are offering resistance.  
Shepard deliberately relaxes and then Kaidan is inside him, stretching his hole and pushing _slowly_ deeper.  
It burns.

He must have tensed slightly because Kaidan instantly stops. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s ok. Just… give me a second.”

Kaidan rests his forehead against Shepard’s, both their breaths mingling. “You give the word.”

Shepard wills his muscles to relax. “Haven’t done this for a long time,” he admits.

“But you _have_ done it before?”

“Yes.”

“I should’ve asked this earlier. But I assumed… I’m sorry.”

“If you start apologizing now, I swear, I will throw you out of the air lock!”

Kaidan huffed a laugh. “Alright. I could apologize for apologizing but, actually, I’d prefer to not being ripped off of you by now.”

“So being with me is better than drifting in the open space?”

“Being with you is better than anything.”

Shepard shrinks from Kaidan’s look.  
Swallows.  
Compresses his lips.

“You can move now,” he eventually says - instead of anything else – and hopes, that Kaidan will let him get away with it.

“Doesn’t hurt anymore?”

“Yes.” That’s true, Shepard realizes.

And as Kaidan slides the whole way in with a single, smooth motion, his slightly flaccid cock hardens within a heartbeat.  
Shepard gasps.  
He is very aware of Kaidan’s hands under his knees, pushing them up till they nearly touch his shoulders, bringing his ass in a perfect position to pound in.

A deep, throaty groan rumbles from Kaidan’s lips. That’s a sound Shepard wants to hear again and again and again.

And he does.

Kaidan sets a steady, relentless pace. Fucks Shepard into the mattress, skin slapping against skin.  
Only at that very moment Shepard fully realizes, that _Kaidan is fucking him_.  
In a rush of disbelief he slides his fingers over velvet skin, hard muscles and scattered scars. Some of them certainly remains of the incident on mars.  
Shepard pushes that thought far away and pulls Kaidan in for a kiss.

He _really_ likes to kiss that man.

Then there is a long time of only panting and touching and fucking and filling the air with filthy sounds. When Kaidan’s pace grows more and more frantic, Shepard is near, too.

The callused hand on his cock, stroking firmly up and down, eventually finishes him off.  
Shepard bucks up, muscles convulsing in fierce spasms, his sight blurring. He is screaming. Or is it Kaidan? Freezing in place, trembling and spurting his semen deep into Shepard.

**

They come down slowly, hot breath gradually cooling, heart rate normalizing.

When Kaidan wants to pull out, Shepard stops him.

“Wait,” he says, suddenly fearing the moment in which he’ll be empty again. The moment, in which reality will hit him and wash away the precious time he has spent with Kaidan.

“Wait.”

And Kaidan doesn’t withdraw, murmuring something that sounds like: “I’d always wait for you.”

Shepard closes his eyes.


	5. In the end

Shepard wakes screaming – nothing new there but nonetheless terribly exhausting.

His eyes still closed he muses, not for the first time, about giving up those pathetic tries to get some restorative sleep - some actual rest, muses about never lying down again until he’d reach the final end. Yet, he can’t actually do this without risking a physical breakdown in the most mistimed moment.

_Not for much longer. It’ll be done soon, one way or the other_ , he reminds himself and stares in the utter darkness behind the haze of his eyelids and his thoughts.

A sigh flees from his lips and this will be the last display of weakness.

Shepard chastises himself, wordlessly, because what’d it be good for to speak to an empty room – when suddenly something touches his upper arm. Something or _someone_.  
Shepard’s eyes fly open, his mind abruptly evoking images and tastes and sensations and... He feels his nostrils flaring, his breath catching while he faces the undeniable evidence of his greatest weakness at all.  
The last remains of sleep are vanishing in an explosion of awareness.

He had allowed Kaidan to touch him. To fuck him. To goddamn _sleep_ by his side.

And while Shepard remembers – against his will - and tries to push away the pictures of naked skin, soft lips, hard muscles, tries to ignore the sounds and noises echoing in his head, desperately tries _not_ to blush, Kaidan brushes his lips over Shepard’s shoulder in a chaste kiss.

“Hey,” the biotic mumbles, his voice still drowsy, and lets his fingertips absently stroke over Shepard’s skin. The sensation makes him shiver with emotions which are all too intense regarding such a simple gesture.

Shepard backs up, sits up, swings his legs off the bed without a word and tries to get on his feet.

But his retreat is adamantly interrupted. A strong hand closes around his right wrist, not in the slightest absently this time.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Kaidan rumbles, throws his free arm around Shepard’s waist and hurls him onto the mattress.  
A split second later, Kaidan is lying on Shepard, pushing him down with the whole weight of his muscular body. It’s just the same as last night – and not the same at all.

“Get off of me!” Shepard hisses. He is not used to wake up and not be alone. He _doesn’t want_ to wake up and not be alone.

_I don’t want this. I don’t want. I, sure as hell, don’t…_

His mind scrambles and jangles and silently screams.

Kaidan sighs, a sound full of undeniable sadness, and doesn’t move. “I thought… Hoped. After last night – _God_ – you’d...,” Kaidan takes his hand away, brushes it through his own hair, sighs again. “I’m so tired of your ongoing insistence on evading me. And pushing me away.”

“So, why don’t you just back off?” A sudden burst of anger rushes through Shepard’s body, makes him tense and burn. It hurts. His skin is on fire and his eyes are stinging. That’s worse than anything.

Unacceptable.

In some kind of distant perception, Shepard finds his anger growing and growing without being able to feel anything. It’s a strange moment, foreign and detached. And Shepard asks himself, if he is losing his sanity.  
 _Not yet_ , he thinks. _It must not happen yet. I can’t give in to my weakness now._  
His thoughts should feel desperate but instead they seem to have lost any meaning. At all.

Then, the moment is gone and Shepard crushes back into his body - lying beneath Kaidan – and he twists, _pushes_.  
Kaidan hits the mattress and Shepard pushes again. There are black dots in his vision. The blood rushes in his ears and he is so fucking angry. Furious.

“Leave! Me! Alone!” he shouts and his voice hurts in his throat. He knows, that he should pull himself together. With the last sane streak of his mind he knows it. But he can’t. “Why don’t you just leave me alone?”

He pushes Kaidan again and suddenly his fist hits the biotic’s jaw. It is overwhelming and – satisfying. And hurts all over.

Kaidan blocks his next blow easily. He is a good fighter. Of course he is. This man can’t be anything but fucking good and fucking perfect.

Shepard is scorching and screaming but he can’t make sense of his own words. Perhaps there aren’t actual words, anyway. He hits Kaidan again, gets entangled in the goddamn white sheets of his bed and struggles to free himself while attacking and attacking and attacking.

First, Kaidan only blocks, infuriatingly careful not to do any damage. Then, _finally_ he is fighting back.

They stumble out of bed, dragging the sheet along. Shepard trips and crashes against the sofa, too enraged and mad to be aware of his surroundings.

He falls back and Kaidan towers over him, suddenly glowing blue. Shepard curses, tries to leap to his feet. But he can’t move, is pinned down to the sofa with a force he can’t break. He cries out with anger and struggles helplessly.  
Struggles even more and strains his muscles.

But Kaidan won’t let him go.

Instead, the biotic sinks down to the floor, exhausted, leans his back against the sofa and his head on the cushion so it touches Shepard’s leg and stares at the ceiling.

“Sometimes I actually hate you,” Kaidan says. His nose is bleeding and his upper lip split and red.

Shepard struggles some time more until the black cloud in his mind subsides and he starts to breathe.  
Just breathe.  
When he finally speaks, his throat is hurting.

“You will let me free and then you’ll leave. We will fight this war against the reapers. And you won’t come back into my cabin ever again.”

This time, Kaidan doesn’t object. Doesn’t say anything at all.

He leaves.

He doesn’t come back.

**

Sometime later, but not that much, when Shepard is buried beneath the rubble of the citadel, he remembers what is was like to see Kaidan go. What it was like to see him putting on his clothes, nose and lips bleeding, sprouting bruises on his beautiful skin, those amazing eyes dark and shining wet.

Shepard had been sure that it would be impossibly hard to let him go on his last breath, but, lying here, he realizes – it’s been much harder then.  
Now, he doesn’t have a choice any more, dying, yet buried. He _had_ a choice this early morning in his cabin.

They could have kissed and touched, snugly beneath the sheets, and hold each other as if it would never end.

He could have buried his nose in Kaidan’s hair and his neck and could have whispered in his ear. _I love you._ But he didn’t dare to even think those words. He knew he shouldn’t feel that way, shouldn’t act on it. He _knew_. But he isn’t sure any more.

What difference does it make? In the end?

Clearly…

The really - the only - important things iare that he could end the war.  
And that Kaidan will be alive - happy. Shepard hopes, Kaidan will be happy. And this, just this is the actual reason why it was good to keep silent, to keep his own feelings contained and not make them a burden for Kaidan.

_It’s never been about me. I’ve been lost from the beginning._

Shepard smiles and thinks of whiskey brown eyes and a husky, velvet voice until everything fades away.

_It will be alright. It will stop hurting, soon._


End file.
